I have a friend who is going through his own particular level of hell this year. We sometimes let off steam by trading ‘things people say’.
‘Look after yourself’
‘One day at a time’
‘Just take it slowly’
‘Stay positive’
Sometimes I forget to put quotation marks which leaves him confused about whether we’re still joking or if I’ve suddenly started dishing out advice. My bad.
And of course, I’m a reasonable human being, if you’ve just been told someone’s terrible news, I get the need to say something kind, meaningful and helpful. We all want that magic bit of conversational genius. So I’m here to let you in on a secret.
You can’t.
Sorry but unless you have literally cured cancer, there ain’t nothing you can say. And before you say ‘but….’. Please don’t tell me about John ‘s friend’s cousin’s aunt who was cured of stage 4 cancer. Cos chances are you aren’t an/my oncologist and anyway, are you happy when someone else wins the lottery. Like even a little bit? Nup. They won, you didn’t. Do I need to go on?
There’s is a whole lot of things you shouldn’t say though. So rewind and put NOT in title (as the third word, preferably)
- Don’t offer advice – unless you’re an appropriately trained professional.
- Don’t say you understand – unless you actually do, in which case please do talk about it. Feeling slightly less alone is magic.
- Don’t comment on how strong they are. They probably don’t feel strong, and this may make them now feel like they can’t be vulnerable with you.
- Don’t say you would never cope in the same situation. They didn’t get a choice and are just trying their best. And they may well not be coping, in secret.
- Don’t start a sentence with ‘at least’. Actually that’s pretty good advice generally – I was once told if you hear the words ‘at least’ coming out of your own mouth, then stop. Apologise and pretend it never happened.
- And for a possibly contentious one: don’t say Kia kaha. Kia kaha is te reo for stay strong. It’s a really popular thing to say to ‘us’. And sure, it’s perfect when you’re supporting someone who is standing up for their principles. But to me, in this context, it sounds a little too close to harden up. Perhaps try arohanui instead.
NB: please don’t panic if you’ve ever said these things! Obviously someone has or I wouldn’t have been inspired to write. Think of yourself as my muse.
Anyway, before I fall down a little rant hole, the secret is simply that, there’s nothing you can say. Nothing, nada, zippo, diddly squat.
My advice, my brilliant astonishing soon to be award winning advice, is to just swear.
Yup.
Swear.
As in:
Person A: Hey, so my life has just turned to custard and I have [cancer/lost a baby/ been cheated on etc]
Person B: F&@k no. Sh!t.
And that’s it. The secret to life the universe and everything is actually a curse not a number.
(If swearing isn’t your thing, then, well at a pinch you could go with ‘mate, I don’t know what to say, do you want to talk about it?’ And if they do, remember the ‘don’t’ list, aka shut up and listen.)
And just before I sign off, a quick apology. Another rant hole of mine that I might venture down one day is our collective refusal to say the word ‘die’. Saying that you’ve lost a person might seem kind but it’s damn confusing (especially to kids). And I did it in this post. And it’s so ingrained I can’t bring myself to change it.