Today my hair fell out

So yesterday my hair started to fall out. Maybe 100-200 hairs during the day. Today I’ve filled a small bag. I still have over 50% of my hair right now but it looks weirdly flat to me. And it hurts! I never knew it would hurt. I can see that the chemo has melted the follicles away so I guess my hair is just quietly stabbing me in the head. Fun times. 

I don’t want to be bald. But I also don’t want to die of cancer. Bald trumps dying, right? But, man this is not much fun. I’ve had weeks of wondering when will it start? Now that it has, how long will it take? What will I look like? How will I cope with a wig? When will it grow back?  And gosh, I did not expect it to hurt. I found out this week that for my particular chemo drug, there’s actually a real chance my hair won’t ever grow back. Like up to 15%. Let’s just not think about that…

If you want to show support then don’t shave your head! Do something kind (doesn’t have to be for me either!). Donate some money (I have a great page going on the good registry). Buy me something crazy frivolous. Treat me like normal… Just don’t pretend to understand (unless you do. In which case I’m sorry you had to go through this too. Cancer sucks.). 

If you want to raise money then go for it, start a page on the good registry (did I mention mine already?? It is still open so feel free….), go and be a collector for whatever charity works for you, have a bake sale, get involved in your local school fair. Hell grow a moustache for prostate cancer awareness. But shaving your head, please just don’t. Sorry (not sorry) if that sounds grumpy, this whole cancer business has shortened my (admittedly already quite short) temper. 

Tuesday I’ll go to work, most likely bald, and I’ll be hiding that fact, wearing a wig or a hat or scarf. I haven’t hid my diagnosis to date (sorry if I do go on a bit!), so why am I planning on hiding that part. Maybe I’m taking control. Maybe I am already tired of this damn cancer and just want to pretend it isn’t happening. But it feels a lot like shame. Why would I be ashamed of something I didn’t ask for, didn’t make happen and most certainly don’t want?  People talk about fighting cancer as though there’s something to win. But now that I’m here I can tell you this is not a fair fight, cancer is a bully. I now bitterly dislike that kind of language, as though somehow it’s on me to beat this thing. But stage 4 cancer never really goes away. The best I can hope for is to get it under control for as long as possible. 

So yes my hair is falling out. Yes I’ll wear a wig and a smile. But just remember we’re all dealing with shit of one kind or another. Mine isn’t better or worse than yours. But boy does it suck!